Confirmation: Laborers find Jesus
By David Lapid
Published: July 4, 2990
ISRAEL — Early Thursday morning on April 1st, a construction crew outside of Jerusalem stumbled upon what is definitely the greatest find of the century, if not ever—the body of Christ. The crew was hired to tear down several small structures, most recently used as a shelter for the homeless and a small market, to the Northeast of the Catholic cemetery by the Mount of Olives. Once demolition was complete several other crews would join them and begin the construction of an elaborate temple-like structure dedicated to the life and works of Jesus himself, to be completed in time for the celebration of 3,000 years since his death.
This, at least, was the Vatican’s plan until its demolition crew discovered an anomaly in the Northern most structure’s foundation. Assuming that the raised portions of the earth might indicate the location of a buried building, the foreman contacted Vatican representatives to suggest that the demolition be halted and an archeologist be called in to investigate. International law also would require that the Israeli government be notified and consulted. Reports suggest that the Vatican, concerned that the find might impede the already delayed project, told the company to simply “fill in the gaps” and begin laying down the foundation for the new structure.
Eli Gottesdiener, the foreman on the project, decided instead to investigate a little. “I told my crew that my superiors decided we should continue with the foundation, but none of us liked the idea of leaving something like that hidden,” Gottesdiener told the press in a conference on Thursday, “We decided instead to carefully investigate the area. I called my friend Hasim to oversee. It was clear right away that it was a structure. It looked small, like one room. I knew I had to call [the Vatican] again.” Gottesdiener did make the call again and this time Vatican representatives were forced to postpone the project because of international diplomacy.
Early on in the project’s history, they faced several problems with the acquisition of the land. Israel, however, eventually agreed to sell the land to the Catholic Church for an exorbitant $8.3 billion. The purchase caused an uproar in the Catholic community, as it became apparent that the Vatican simply wasn’t sharing the wealth.
Hoping to avoid another incident within the Church, representatives from the Vatican traveled to Jerusalem immediately to investigate. Hasim Lempel, Gottesdiener’s friend and head of the Archeology department at Jerusalem University, confirmed to the representatives that their construction site was now an archeological one.
The structure was, as Gottesdiener said, a small one, consisting of two rooms. When initially revealed, Lempel assumed it was a house for the outcast, given its size and distance from any other structural finds. Further excavation revealed, however, a third, sealed room wherein they discovered a nicely preserved human corpse.
“It was immediately clear that we found a body,” Lempel said. “It was actually quite shocking how well it was preserved.” The discovery of a body made it clear that they had stumbled upon a tomb. The body was immediately sent to the JU lab for analysis and preservation, while the team of archeologists now on site, continued to examine the structure.
No other bodies were discovered, however, carved into the walls of the third room, Hasim and his team found writings etched around the space that the body had occupied. They appeared to be written in Ancient Aramaic: the language of Jesus. Examiners of the writing confirmed the language and revealed that it appears to say, “He stands as the right hand of the father and lives”. There is debate, however, among those that have seen the wall that this is not the complete message and that the last portion was too damaged over the years to interpret.
Analysis of the body confirmed that it would’ve been buried around the time of Jesus’ death. This information combined with the message written above the body has Christians across the globe in an uproar, as they try to reconcile the spiritual implications of the physical existence of their savior.
“As a Christian you experience the whole spectrum of emotion,” says Mary Somers in Los Angeles, CA, “One minute you’re ecstatic, because here is proof that you believe in someone real. Then the next, you realize that if his body is in Jerusalem, then how can he have risen from the dead? What does this mean about the Bible? They’ve opened up a whole new Pandora’s box over there.”
And what does the Pope have to offer his community in chaos? The Vatican declined to comment.
2 comments:
What an interesting assignment. nifty.
I really did enjoy this. Even if it is sacrilegious.
Post a Comment