Writing exercise: Epistle

Thank You For Your Application

06 November

Dear Mr.——

I received your application on the 28^th of October and have spent the last 9 days reviewing all that you have written. There is no doubt that, academically, you meet the requirements, however, your personal essay portion leaves something to be desired. Despite the honest and earnest tone of the piece, it is evident that there are outstanding issues in the following areas:

1. Conflict of Interest

It became readily apparent in the second paragraph that there is an alternate demand on you. This position requires that any and all free time and though outside of (and at times including) the familial realm be committed to the position. It is expected that you show 100% loyalty and dedication at all times. Previous holders of the position have sacrificed friendships, families, careers, etc., so the immediate cessation of your association with a Ms. —— is necessary for your continued consideration for this appointment, despite her having been the one to bring you to my attention.

2. Traveling Distance/Location

In the section discussing your current living situation (which will be referenced later on), there was mention of your living in S—————, which, while still in the county, is not the ideal location for someone interested in this position. First and foremost, you will be acquiring and temporarily housing very important (and expensive) items for me. S————— is not exactly known for its safe neighborhoods, despite the current attempts to label it as a “suburb on the rise”. The position may also require that you entertain some of my associates in your home, which may pose a problem given the size and condition inferred from your essay.

Since it will be necessary for you to drive to and spend time in N———— on a regular basis, a closer locale will be beneficiary for both parties involved. There may also be instances where your immediate presence is required and a 45-60 minute drive is not ideal. An area much more acceptable for an applicant is someplace like C———, which does have some very nice condos currently available. My realtor’s name is A— B————— if you’d like a few suggestions.

3. Lack of Experience

One thing that separated you from the dozens of other applicants is your relative inexperience. While this is in some ways “fresh” and exciting (as I have always wanted to be a mentor of sorts), I find myself a bit concerned about your ability to satisfactorily live up to my high standards. I am a very busy woman, and as such, do not have too much time to devote to crafting you to my ideals, despite any latent desire to be a mentor. We may need to organize a sort of trial run, in which you prove to me that you are the quick learner your aptitude tests suggest.

In addition, I am well aware that your age is a factor in your inexperience, but I want to assure you that I have never been prone to ageism and actually quite look forward to a younger perspective on the position.

4. Current Income

While there is no formal economic requirement, it is largely understood that any applicant should be able to fully support themselves prior to and for the duration of this role. It is important not only for my reputation, but also for the stress-free environment ideal for the growth of our involvement together. Any outside source of income must, however, not present a conflict of interest, resulting in less than 100% dedication to your position in association with myself. If you need any suggestions of low-maintenace/high-income jobs, feel free to give my financial advisor E—— a call (***) ***-****.

5. Living Situation

In conjunction with both the issue of income and location, it is necessary that you live roommate free. Since you will be entertaining my associates and myself in your living environment upon occasion, it is ideal that there be no marijuana-smoking best friend or over-involved mother in the way of the success of these interactions. You will be representing me and, as such, cannot be seen to associate with such unsavory and outdated personalities.

In fulfilling the income expectation, you should be able to afford a decently furnished living space without the requirement of a roommate or benevolent relative.

The five items discussed above represent the main concerns regarding your application. It will remain “In Process” for another 7 days, during which you may take steps toward rectifying the problems addressed in this letter. If, after the 7 days, you have not contacted me with any updates on your situation the application will be considered incomplete and you may reapply when the position is reopened at a later date.

I thank you for your application for the position of my boyfriend. Feel free to contact me with any questions regarding these concerns or any other matter you feel may effect your application.

Sincerely,

R—— M—————

I would be remiss if I didn't give inspirational credit to my wife and to -------. Life gives you lemons, you make ridiculous stories cause you don't like lemonade.